Coping with bereavement at Christmas

Summary

Lucy McGrath shares advice from our chaplaincy team to help you find comfort, make space for your feelings and navigate the festive season when a loved one has died.

Christmas is full of memories and images of happy families, shared meals, laughter and togetherness. For those who are grieving, it can be a painful and challenging time. Even the smallest thing – a familiar song or the sight of an empty chair – can remind us of the person who’s missing and awaken a deep sense of loss. If you’re grieving this Christmas, please know that you’re not alone, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Here’s some gentle guidance to help you navigate the festive season, being kind to yourself.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel

Grief does not take a break at Christmas. You might feel sadness, anger, loneliness, guilt, numbness, exhaustion or moments of happiness and peace. You may find yourself laughing with a child one minute and crying over a Christmas decoration the next. All these feelings are a normal part of grief, whether this is the first Christmas without your loved one or your 20th.

You don’t have to pretend to be happy. But you can miss someone deeply and still experience moments of happiness. Sometimes people feel guilty when they enjoy something, as if they’re forgetting the person who died. Others feel guilty because they can’t find any joy at all. But remember: you can feel grateful for memories, even while wishing there were more to make.

Try not to compare your grief with anyone else’s. Instead of asking, “Why am I not coping better?” or “Why do I feel okay today?” try asking, “What do I need right now?” Be compassionate towards yourself rather than critical.

Let go of the pressure to have a perfect Christmas

This year, give yourself permission to do Christmas differently. You don’t have to pretend nothing’s changed or make it perfect for everyone else. You could, for example, simplify the meal, ask family members to bring food, or order something ready-made. You may choose to step away from Christmas traditions altogether for a while.

You’re allowed to create a Christmas you can cope with. And if you make plans but find, on the day, that you cannot manage them, you’re allowed to change your mind.

Find a way to include the person you are missing

One of the hardest things about Christmas after a bereavement is the feeling that the person you love should be there. It’s normal to expect them to walk through the door or join in with a familiar tradition. Recognising they can’t be there can feel heart-breaking.

Reminders of your loved one can be too painful at first – but sometimes trying to avoid reminders can be worse. If it feels right, you can find simple ways to honour them, such as lighting a candle, making a memory box or sharing stories about them.

There’s no need for grand gestures: sometimes the smallest act can bring the greatest comfort. And you don’t have to do any of these things if they feel too painful. It doesn’t make your love any less real.

Prepare for difficult moments

Grief can be unpredictable. You can feel relatively settled and then suddenly be overwhelmed by a memory, a song or even a smell. You might find Christmas morning especially difficult, or the moment when everyone leaves and the house falls quiet.

It can help to think ahead about what you might find challenging and have a rough plan. Simply knowing that you have choices can help you feel less trapped. Consider, for example:

• Which moments am I most worried about?
• Is there someone I can contact if I feel overwhelmed?
• Would it help to have a quiet space where I can take a break?
• What could I do if I need to leave a gathering early?

If tears come, let them. Don’t apologise for crying. If you need to step outside, sit quietly in another room or leave early, that’s okay too. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can tell yourself is, “I only need to get through this moment,” rather than facing the whole of Christmas at once.

Be honest and allow yourself to say ‘no’

Friends and family often want to help, but they may not know what to say or do. Some may avoid mentioning the person who died for fear of upsetting you. Others may encourage you to keep busy or try to cheer you up, which can leave you feeling more alone.

An honest conversation can help them understand how best to support you. Don’t feel you have to explain every feeling or justify every decision.

You might say: “I know Christmas will be difficult for me this year: I may need some quiet time,” or “I’d really like us to talk about them. I’m worried everyone will avoid mentioning their name,” or “I’d love to come, but I can’t promise how long I’ll stay.”

Invitations can provoke complicated feelings when you are grieving. You may long for company but worry that you’ll become upset. You may want to stay at home but feel guilty about disappointing others.

Remember that you’re allowed to make decisions based on what you need, rather than what others expect. You can say ‘no’ – or you can attend for a short time. It can be helpful to arrange your own transport so that you can leave when you need to.

Take care of your body as well as your emotions

Grief can affect sleep, appetite, concentration and energy levels, so make sure you look after yourself.

• Eat regularly, even if you don’t feel particularly hungry. Drink enough water. Get some fresh air when you can. Rest when you are tired, and do not expect to operate at your usual pace.
• A short walk, a warm bath, a comforting drink or ten minutes sitting somewhere peaceful can help you feel more grounded. If sleep is difficult, try to create a gentle bedtime routine rather than putting pressure on yourself to fall asleep immediately.
• Be mindful of relying on alcohol to numb difficult feelings. It can worsen sleep and low mood for some people.

Most importantly, lower your expectations of yourself because grief makes big demands of your capacity. Even normal everyday tasks such as getting dressed, answering messages, making decisions or simply facing the day may require more effort than usual. You are not lazy, weak or failing because you need to slow down.

Create new traditions when you are ready

You may find comfort in keeping familiar routines exactly as they were but sometimes old Christmas traditions become too painful to continue. It’s okay to change things.

You might decide to spend Christmas somewhere different, take a walk instead of sitting around the table for hours, volunteer for a cause that matters to you or begin a small tradition of your own.
There’s no rush: think of new traditions as possibilities rather than obligations. Perhaps this year you simply get through the day and next year you feel ready to try something different. Go at your own pace.

Reach out if the loneliness feels too much

Solitude can be restorative when you choose it. Even so, consider keeping a gentle connection with someone you trust, even if it’s just a text message or short phone call. Grief can be deeply isolating, even when you’re surrounded by people. You may feel that nobody truly understands your struggle, particularly if others appear to have returned to normal life. But being on your own for too long may make grief feel heavier.

Sometimes it helps to speak with someone who doesn’t expect you to be cheerful, strong or getting better. This might be a trusted friend or a relative. It could be a bereavement support group, a counsellor or a therapist.

You don’t need to justify why you’re struggling and you don’t have to wait until you’re at breaking point before asking for support. A conversation won’t take away your loss, but being heard and understood can make the burden feel less lonely.

Grief changes over time – but it doesn’t always run in a straight line. Anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas can revive difficult feelings, even after periods when life has felt more manageable. It doesn’t mean you’re going backwards: it just means the loss still matters.

Carry their story forward

Christmas may be difficult this year but it doesn’t necessarily mean that every Christmas will feel this way.

Given time, you may discover that remembering the person you’ve lost and continuing with life can be lovingly intertwined. You can carry their influence in the way you care for others, the traditions you keep, the stories you tell and the love you continue to share.

You don’t have to leave your loved one behind. They remain part of your story, whether you speak about them openly, remember them quietly or simply carry them in your heart. Above all, remember this: your love still matters, and you deserve care and compassion during this difficult season.

Additional resources for support this festive season

• Managing grief at Christmas – From the Cruse (bereavement charity) website.
• Mental health services (NHS) – Find services near you.
• Martlets’ Grief Cafes – a safe space to meet other bereaved people.

Updated 12.11.26