10 ways to remember a loved one at Christmas

Sarah Bell, chaplain at St Barnabas House

Special occasions, such as Christmas, can be particularly difficult when you are grieving. It can feel as though everyone in the world is celebrating togetherness, while you are left in the cold. Alternatively, you might feel the pressure to make merry, when you just want to be left alone. 

I’ve written a blog about coping with bereavement at Christmas, but I also wanted to acknowledge here the desire that many people have to keep their loved one at the heart of the festivities. You might not want to celebrate at all – and that’s fine – but if you do, here are some suggestions for honouring the person who has died. 

1. Light a candle. This is a beautiful way to honour a loved one and focus your thoughts on them. If you like, you can buy special remembrance candles, or one scented with a fragrance they liked.   

2. Leave a chair empty at the table. Having a visual representation of your loved one encourages people to share memories and tell stories about them. Perhaps you could talk about their character and try to sum it up in one, two or three words. Tell yourself that it’s okay to cry – give yourself permission to feel your emotions. 

3. Make your loved one part of the festivities. You could buy their favourite flowers to decorate the table or serve their favourite food. We all have family traditions, and sometimes they are a helpful way of connecting people. In my family, we always eat pink grapefruit and baked ham and eggs on Christmas morning. It’s a way of honouring my grandparent, my parents, my brother – all the people that we’ve lost – as we remember them in that moment.  

4. Play their favourite music.  Music can hold special significance as often our favourite songs evoke treasured memories and moments. Playing your loved one’s favourite tunes can be like listening to the soundtrack to their life. It can be bittersweet, bringing tears and longing, but can make you feel closer to them. You may find it comforting too. 

5. Make a memory jar. You could do this as part of a group: ask each person to write down some of their favourite memories on a piece of paper, then fold them and put them in a jar. You could open the jar and read the memories together, or opt to do so alone – perhaps on a special day, when you want to feel close to your loved one. 

6. Do things differently. Christmas cards can be very difficult. I supported one man who said on the first Christmas, he was in a quandary about what to write in his cards. He came up with a solution and with his permission, I have shared it with others. He had stickers made up with a picture of his wife, around the size of a stamp. He signed each card and stuck her picture alongside, so even though her name was missing, her presence wasn’t. Some people find it too difficult to send cards, and that’s fine. Some decide to simply send a family photo, with a line about missing the person who has died.  

7. Start a new tradition as a tribute to them. If they loved Christmas jumpers, you might all wear one as a way of connecting with them. Or you might visit a place that was special to you and lay flowers. 

8. Keepsakes can be very important. Some people spend years collecting beautiful Christmas decorations and getting them out to put on the tree brings back memories of the times you shared. Similarly, it might be a good time to look through your memory box, if you have one. I know someone who had a little enamel badge made with a picture of his wife. He wears it throughout the festive period, so it feels like she’s there with him. Other people have memory bears or blankets made from their loved one’s clothes. That can be very precious because it gives you something to touch.  

9. Buy them a present. Find something your loved one would have enjoyed and give it to charity or someone who might be lonely at Christmas.  You might like to go to a nursing home, for instance, and take a few gifts.  

10. Plant a tree. It doesn’t even have to be a tree – hyacinths would be nice for Christmas. I think there’s a lovely symbolism in that, especially if children are involved. Planting something in the soil is an act of optimism – a reminder that new life can emerge from the darkness and spring is around the corner. 

Additional resources for support this festive season

• Managing grief at Christmas – From the Cruse (bereavement charity) website.
• Mental health services (NHS) – Find services near you.
• Martlets’ Grief Cafes – a safe space to meet other bereaved people.

Published 04/12/25