Summary
Roy was devastated after the loss of his wife Pat, who was cared for by Martlets. At first, he was reticent about ‘talk therapy’, but now he’s keen to encourage other bereaved men to get this support. He explains why he changed his mind and how Martlets’ bereavement counselling service helped him rebuild his life.
“I was so low after my wife Pat died and people were saying I should consider seeing a doctor and that I needed counselling. I’ve never been one for anything like that. I never cried in front of Pat or got emotional and never talked about my feelings to people. Pat used to say to me sometimes ‘what’s the matter?’ and try and get me to open up, but I couldn’t; I’d just say everything was ok even if it wasn’t. I suppose I’m from that older generation of men that have been taught to keep it all inside. The only times I’ve cried in my life were when I was on my own. I’ve probably cried fifty years’ worth of tears in this past year since Pat died. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever had and nothing can prepare you for it.
One morning I felt so low and I thought, ‘I really need help or I can’t carry on’. That’s when I made the call to Martlets. I’d got through so much the year before Pat died – I had a stroke, went blind in one eye and the doctors thought I might never walk again, but Pat got me through all that. I managed to get my eyesight back, to walk again and I’m even back to driving and playing a bit of golf. And my dog Rosie has been by my side too, helping me through. But all that suffering from the stroke was nothing compared to how I felt when Pat died. I just couldn’t get through it on my own. I spoke to the chaplain at Martlets and he put me in touch with the bereavement counselling team.
Counselling – shifting expectations
I almost didn’t go to the first counselling appointment at Martlets as I kept thinking I’d feel so uncomfortable talking to a stranger about how I was feeling. And the thought of getting upset in front of them made me think, ‘am I really going to do this?’ But then it got close to the appointment and I thought well, these people have found time for me and are giving me this service for free so I can’t let them down and not turn up. I’m so glad I went because it was completely different to what I thought it would be. I thought the counsellor would just be telling me this is all going to get better in a few months, give it time, and I’d find their positivity difficult. But right away Debs said this is going to be tough, it’ll take over a year and it won’t be easy, but I’ll be here to support you. She was so honest and that was the best part about it. I felt she was just going to let me take my time and not try and hurry me into moving on.
During that first session Debs was amazing. She asked how I was feeling and she really listened. I suddenly broke down and cried and I’ve done that in every session, but it’s been a relief to get it out. Counselling has brought things out in me which no one else could – even my wife, and we were married for 54 years. I think it’s because Debs asked the right questions and I felt relaxed and safe to answer honestly and not worry about what she thought of me. She told me I’d have good days and bad days and gave me confidence in how to manage all the different emotions I was feeling. She listened and didn’t tell me what to do, which is what I needed. The first session was like going to the doctor’s – you don’t really want to go but you need to. But then every session after that I actually looked forward to going. It was like a day out for me, and I couldn’t wait to get over to Martlets. I realised how much it was helping me to release how I was feeling instead of holding it in.
In later sessions Debs also offered some useful bits of advice, including taking a step back and saying “pause” when things get difficult to cope with. I still do that – it’s a simple thing but stops me getting carried away by strong emotions. I was worrying a lot about Christmas as it approached, and it helped me to pause and calm down. Debs gave me a couple of extra sessions of support over that period which helped a lot. She also gave me the confidence to reconnect with an old friend I’d lost touch with who’d lost his son. I was worried I’d be too emotional to speak to him, but it went okay and we shared our grief.
Bereavement care for men
I wanted to share my experience of counselling because I know there will be other men out there who are struggling with grief who probably think counselling isn’t for them. They might think they don’t need it and they’ll cope on their own, or they’re uncomfortable about showing their feelings. I’ve always put on a tough persona and never been scared of anything in my life, but losing my wife hit me hard – I’ve never felt anything like that kind of pain. Please, if you’re struggling to cope, give counselling a try and make that first phone call. Debs offered me just the right amount of listening and reassurance and support without me feeling I was being pushed into doing anything. I felt able to go at my own pace in my own way and without her support I honestly don’t think I’d still be here.
When I’ve been out playing golf, my mates will ask what counselling is like and sometimes joke about it, but I always tell them it’s been the best thing I’ve done; it’s really opened me up and it’s changed my life. I still feel upset at times but the counselling sessions I had have given me confidence that it’s okay to feel these emotions and to cope with grief in my own time. Since having counselling, I’m not afraid to talk about things in depth. Before, I might not have talked to a friend who’d lost someone because I didn’t know what to say to them, whereas now I’ve been through it and I’m better at opening up and listening too. I really hope that someone reading this will feel encouraged to get help like I did. I never thought I’d get over my loss, but somehow I’ve got through this last year without Pat. If you’ve lost someone close, please know that there is help and support out there and you will make it through too.”
Debs Body is a counsellor at Martlets and supported Roy after Pat died. She says: ‘’I am so glad that Martlets was able to offer Roy the bereavement support that he needed at the right time. His personal story is powerful and shows that we can carry pre-conceived ideas about counselling, but his lived experience was very different and offers another perspective. I hope that Roy’s story will help others to step forward to ask for bereavement support.’’
If your loved one was looked after by Martlets and you would like to make a referral for bereavement counselling with us, please call 01273 273400. Or you may like to come along to our grief café – these sessions are held in Saltdean and at Martlets once a month. The grief café is open to anyone over 18 whose loved one died under our care. If you have lost a loved one who wasn’t cared for by Martlets and are seeking bereavement support, these public resources may be helpful.
Read more stories about counselling and bereavement
- Bereavement social evenings – Flora, 35, explains how the bereavement group at Martlets has supported her and tells us about the care her mum received from us.
How you can support Martlets
Published: 10/03/2025