“Mum and I had never hugged as adults, but in that moment I gave her a hug and said ‘I love you’.”

Summary

When Alex’s mum, Paula, received care from Martlets – both at home and on the inpatient ward – it marked the beginning of a deeper connection between mother and daughter. Alex shares how our nurses helped her build a closer relationship with her mum. She has also embraced Paula’s love of sewing, which has brought her comfort and purpose while also supporting the hospice.

“My mum, Paula, was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and although she went through chemotherapy it didn’t work as the cancer was aggressive. She wanted to be cared for at home which was just around the corner from Martlets. Martlets’ clinical nurse specialists came out to visit to help manage Mum’s symptoms and reduce her pain.

Martlets helped us to hug

Mum would say talking with the nurses was the highlight of her day and it was lovely to see her light up when they were around. She wasn’t one for showing her emotions as she was from a generation where love was shown by putting a roof over our heads and providing for us every day. She had managed to break that generational ‘conditioning’ by being an amazing nana to both my son and her other four grandchildren. Their childhoods were filled with lots of love and hugs from mum, but she’d never really had hugs herself. One day, Mum was talking to a visiting nurse about how she was never hugged as a child and the nurse asked, “Would you like a hug?”. Mum’s face lit up and she broke down and said yes she would. To have someone almost give her permission to have a hug – as an adult who did everything for everyone else – was everything. It must’ve been such a relief for her.

Because I saw that, when I then left, I said, “Do you want a hug from me Mum?”. I’d never hugged my mum as an adult, ever. We were very close, and we knew we loved each other, but we never said it. I gave her a hug, and I said, “You know I love you”. And she said, “I love you too”.

After that hug we had really good conversations about how we felt about each other, even though Mum found it difficult, all because that nurse had given her a hug and an opportunity to let her emotions out. She was a single working mum who cared for and raised five children alone and it must’ve been so stressful for her. I sat and held Mum’s hand and I have a lovely picture of us holding hands. I’m glad I could be the one to hold her hand and give her comfort towards the end as she had always been the one giving to others. I think one of my biggest regrets would have been if I’d never had those conversations or those hugs with her.

Mum’s last days

Eventually Mum became so ill that she collapsed and was rushed to hospital, where she very quickly went into kidney failure. The doctors there told us she was approaching the end of her life and put us in touch with Martlets to see if a hospice bed was available. There aren’t enough hospice beds for everyone who needs them, so we were grateful one was free when Mum needed it, as it made such a difference.

The last thing I wanted was for her to die in hospital because she didn’t want that. She wanted to be somewhere calm and peaceful. The staff there – even though they are amazing – are rushed off their feet and it’s hard to get that specialised personal care that a hospice provides. Although they moved her to a side room off the hospital ward, there were people in the hallways shouting and there was so much noise and activity.

Mum needed peace and quiet. She was in agony and needed really strong pain medication which I felt we’d struggle to administer effectively at home after a while. Inpatient care at Martlets was exactly what Mum needed, and they supported us as a family too. Her room opened on to the gardens and it was lovely being able to wheel her bed outside for fresh air as she absolutely loved her garden at home. It was a calm and safe environment.

When Mum was brought into the inpatient ward at Martlets she said, “How much is this going to cost?” And I said, “Mum, this is free”. Knowing that was such a relief for her and us. The hospice is a charity and that’s why I think it’s so important to fundraise. I think Mum was worried about how we (her children) would fund it had it not been charity-funded.

I will support Martlets for the rest of my life, and my son will as well because we’ve seen the care they gave Mum and what a difference it made to all of us. Mum had somewhere comfortable, safe and dignified to spend her last days. She gave so much and it was fitting that hospice care was there to give her the care she deserved at the end. She was on the inpatient ward at Martlets for four days before she died on the 31st of January 2025.

Celebrating Mum and supporting Martlets

In memory of the care Martlets gave Mum I got a tattoo of the three Martlets birds that are on the logo. I’ve never had a tattoo and this was my first one. The first bird represents my nana, who died when I was little, the second is for my grandad, and then the third is Mum catching up with them.

Mum loved to sew and since she died sewing has helped me feel closer to her. When the community team from Martlets came to the house to look after Mum they brought ‘driver’ bags with them – to pop the pouches of medication in for the drip into Mum’s arm. (A syringe driver is a small, battery-operated pump used to deliver medication continuously at a steady rate.) It was all very new to us, that kind of portable medicine. I remember one of them handed Mum a driver bag and she wasn’t keen on the fabric which made us laugh! Mum was a big sewer and made some amazing things on the sewing machine. So I asked the nurses if I could have one to pull apart to make a basic pattern, with the idea that I could make one in a fabric she liked. But it never happened because Mum suddenly became very ill and needed to be moved to a hospice bed for end-of-life care.

The very last day, when I knew she was going to die, I arrived in the morning and the staff gave me these little knitted hearts that one of the patients had made. There was one for me, one for Mum and one for my little boy. We lived with my mum until my son was five years old as he doesn’t have his father in his life, so that was a lovely moment together with the hearts. Making hearts for loved ones started as a nationwide project during Covid as a way for family members to stay connected with one another. It just really touched me when we were given them at Martlets because I found it very symbolic of the love we shared during the most difficult time.

Sewing with purpose

After Mum died, I cleared out all of her fabrics before they got taken to charity because she had lots. I thought, hearts are a really basic pattern, let me make some. I think I made around 60 or so because they’re easy to do. It was such an amazing therapy and helped me to cope with my grief because I felt so connected to Mum.

My degree was in fashion design and business but I never used it as I ended up going into education. But suddenly, I remembered all the things that I’d watched Mum sew and I felt like she’d transferred her creativity and skill to me. I realised I’d still got the driver bag and I pulled it apart to make a pattern and made one using a bumblebee fabric (Mum has a picture of her as a child in the late ‘50s dressed up as bumblebee).

I thought it was nice and bright and that if I took some into Martlets it might bring the patients and their families a little bit of joy. When people are ill in bed, they’re surrounded by wires and machines and these colourful bags mean you’re not seeing the medicine next to you, but something bright and uplifting instead.

The nurses mentioned that catheter bags might also be a nice addition so we’ve adapted the design for those. Working together with the clinical team, we’ve made sure these fabric bags can be safely integrated into patient care. One of the male nurses commented that it would be nice to have some bags that were on a different theme, like Star Wars and Superman. So, I started sourcing vintage bed linen with sci-fi and superhero designs. The nurses like to match the bags to people’s personalities, which I think is lovely.

I also make tote bags for Martlets’ fundraising team to use. And my niece wanted me to make her a teddy bear out of my mum’s clothing as they were all very close; I made her a memory bear from Mum’s favourite skirt. I also made one out of a Martlets T-shirt for the ward that Mum was on. My son wore the Martlets T-shirt when he did a fundraising run for the hospice. He was nine at the time and he raised £300 doing a ‘Mini Mile’ for his nana.

I spent all summer making things and now I understand how therapeutic sewing was for Mum. I want to go back and tell her that I understand her more now, but somehow I feel like she knows. I talk to Mum when I’m sewing and I know she’d have been so proud.”

 

We’re here for you, will you be here for us?

Will you help other families like Alex’s? Make a donation this winter, small or large, and you’ll be supporting our expert teams as they help local families live life to the full during the precious time they have together.

Fancy supporting us as a volunteer? Whether you’re a keen sewer like Alex, or have other skills you’d like to share, we have volunteer roles to suit everyone from sorting donations to serving refreshments to our patients. They’re people of all ages and backgrounds who want to give back to their community, learn useful skills and make new friends along the way. Whether you can volunteer with us for a few hours once in a while, or a regular shift, as part of #TeamMartlets, you’ll play a crucial part in keeping your local hospice caring. View our current volunteering opportunities.

Published 07/10/25