Gary was cared for at home by Martlets’ community team and then on our inpatient ward. His wife Silke shares what really mattered to Gary and their family during his final few weeks, and explains how Martlets helped them make the most of their precious time together.
“Gary was admitted to Martlets’ inpatient ward in January of 2024 and passed away on the 25th March. He had a very aggressive, fast-paced terminal cancer and was in horrendous pain on a daily basis, which was harrowing for both of us. We were supported by the amazing community team from Martlets for three months prior to him being admitted. Their palliative care doctor came to the house regularly to go through the pain medication and she’d spend a couple of hours with us. She was so very patient, compassionate and thorough at explaining everything, so both of us always felt very reassured. It meant Gary could have a bit more quality time at home before having to move to the inpatient unit (IPU) for pain management.
What made Gary special
Gary had the biggest heart. He was a very calm and patient man, who got so much out of life’s simple pleasures. He never lost his “glass half full” attitude right to the end of his life and showed enormous resilience during this journey – he would never let any despair into our home or into our family. Gary was a senior mechanical design engineer working in the aerospace industry and absolutely loved his job. He would work in various places in mainland Europe and we lived for four years in the Netherlands before coming back to the UK when our first grandchild arrived. He had a very technical mindset and for him there were no problems, only solutions. Often he would sit down and draw diagrams to explain his ideas and thoughts and that’s what he did in the Hospice as well, thinking ‘how can I deal with my cancer?’. He would share these diagrams he’d drawn with the doctors and they would always engage and listen to Gary, involving him in finding a way forward for the next step.
What mattered most to Gary
The nurses at Martlets were so patient with Gary – his symptoms made him really slow, but they were just incredible. Their care is totally patient-led – Gary felt seen and they got him as a person. They understood the way his mind would work, trying to process what was happening to him. He pointed out there was a little button in the bathroom door hinge that meant the door could swing both ways. None of the staff knew about this option but once he told them it made things so much easier in terms of access to the bathroom. From then on they called it ‘the Gary button’! Gary was great with technical and design things like that from the big right down to a tiny button on a door.
He really tried to be independent. That’s what mattered to him most – to be independent for as long as possible – and easier access to the bathroom was part of that. Pain control was another thing that really mattered to him – not to die in pain, that was his major concern. It also mattered that everyone was being open and honest with him about the progression of his illness and the next steps.
Gary was so appreciative that there was a button he could press when the pain was unbearable. He knew someone would come straight away and give him the pain relief he needed and that was so very important to him. Although Gary spent a very long time in the IPU, he always felt the hospice was the best place for him to be in for this part of his journey and both of us felt immensely grateful.
Compassion and care
Knowing Gary was being so well cared for meant that I could focus on being his wife and try to find little moments each day with him to enjoy. I could go home at night and switch off and fall into bed and sleep because I knew he was safe. And that was what carried me through – that I trusted everyone at Martlets to look after us. They were always there for a chat or a hug. The staff had conversations with us about dying and what to expect and the doctors were always realistic and honest because that’s what Gary wanted from them. He wanted to know how it would be, and the doctors explained it with such compassion and care, talking about these very sensitive topics. It also took away the fear for me because I had never seen a dead body. I had never dealt with a dying loved one. This was the first time and they answered all my questions and were so reassuring.
Small gestures made a big difference
Martlets became my second home as I was there every day. During the last week of Gary’s life we stayed at Martlets with him – me, my daughter and my son. The staff put us up in one of the rooms and made us feel so comfortable. Often we would all sit together around Gary’s ‘cuddle’ bed, with our grandchildren Heidi and Jesse in their pyjamas, and read bedtime stories. We were able to bring in our own duvet and all the covers and sheets that Gary liked, including his cosy sheepskin, and one of the care team came in and trimmed his beard and hair. It was little things like this that made Gary feel so cared for.
We brought in craft beer for him, non-alcoholic by this time, and he was able to eat exactly what he wanted. I remember he felt like having a tuna sandwich and he was asking the chef for some capers as he had a craving for those. The chef went out specially to buy those for him. He went above and beyond and these little touches were so special.
Being in the Hospice for such a long time, the café was so important for Gary, as it meant he could get out of the inpatient unit for a while and have a cappuccino and a cake. We took the little ones in there and became really friendly with the catering team. They were always asking how we were and would let us sit there at weekends chatting away even though the cafe was closed.
Space as a family – indoors and out
Gary was never a person of many words, but this illness really opened him up emotionally. And I’m so glad because we were able to talk about everything – his fears, his illness, our feelings and the practical things too. I remember him saying “Okay, this is it now; this is the last room I’ll ever be in”. A lot came up for us both then. We personalised the room with photographs and books and played his music – he liked listening to his rock ballads. We opened the doors into the gardens as he loved being in the sunshine. We’d take the grandchildren out including little Heidi in the buggy and walk around and sit sharing a beer on the terrace. It was so important to have that outside space.
As a family, we will never forget how Martlets supported us on this journey. The nurses cared for Gary as though he was their own loved one, and with so much compassion and dignity. Even at the very end, they did his mouth care with his favourite ale on a cotton swab, so that he could taste something he enjoyed even in those last hours. (Mouthcare was important as he had a dry mouth and found it difficult to swallow).
When Gary died
Every night I would say goodbye to Gary as if it was for the last time and somehow I knew that night that it really was the last time. Early in the morning we sat with him and the process was actually very peaceful and I felt calm. Then he passed away at 7am. I always feared what would happen, but all the chats I’d had with Gary and with the doctors impacted on me in such a positive way. So, when the moment came I was able to go along with it.
The sadness was there and so many feelings but we were able to sit with him and to take our time, there was no rush. We really appreciated having that time to sit with him for as long as we needed to.
Strategies for coping with grief
I had many months of counselling at Martlets which started when Gary was still at home, five months before he died. I couldn’t have got through it all without having that space once a week just for myself; to sit in a very safe space with a counsellor listening to me and providing support. Every week was different because it was such an unpredictable journey and I never knew what the next day was going to bring. My counsellor gave me such good strategies to deal with everything; I really learned to live in the moment.
Gary was so brave and stoic through the pain but sometimes I just wanted to run out of the room as I felt overwhelmed by all these feelings. Having someone there explaining why I felt the way I did was so reassuring. Understanding that it was a normal response and being given strategies to help really made all the difference. We talked about staying in the moment and not thinking too far ahead – about putting my thoughts into boxes and parking things and focusing on being in the present with Gary and the power of that.
It was such a traumatic journey and I noticed that with the stress and exhaustion I would lose my short-term memory. It happened again after Gary passed away, and then again when I had to move house a few months later. The experience impacted me on many levels so I don’t know what I would have done without my counselling sessions.
Bereavement social evenings and the Good Vibrations Choir
Eventually I felt able to move on from one-to-one counselling and instead I started to go to Martlets’ bereavement social evenings. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy them so much, but it was great to have the mutual support of others who were also grieving. I also joined the Martlets Good Vibrations Choir which I love. I have to say that was one of the best things I have done to help with the grieving process. Singing together is incredible – it is something profoundly lovely.
Again, it is a safe space. I have cried there because of the emotive lyrics. Of course, they catch you out, but it’s fine because people understand and it’s a lovely group. It also feels good to feel I am giving something back. It’s beautiful to feel that we’re giving a lot of joy to people. So I’m on an upward journey at the moment – all the support has been fantastic. There seems to be so many different ways that Martlets provides help – the counselling and bereavement social evenings, the choir, and of course when Gary was ill at home and then on the inpatient unit.
Busting misconceptions about hospice care
People think hospices must be depressing places that are just about dying, but really they are about making the most of living with those we love. Martlets is such a welcoming, homely environment. It offers the best clinical care yet it doesn’t feel clinical like a hospital does. It’s bright, light and airy with lovely pictures everywhere and the gardens and the café mean there’s space to rest and get some air.
There’s also a family room which meant we could bring our own dinner in if we wanted to and heat it up in the microwave. The Sanctuary is such a calming, peaceful space and the wall mandala is beautiful. I still come back to Martlets regularly and spend time in the Sanctuary reflecting and remembering Gary. I sometimes write a few words in the Book of Remembrance. For me, Martlets has became a place of comfort.
A marathon in memory of Gary
My son Tim lives in Berlin and he wanted to support Martlets to thank them for looking after Gary. He was shocked to find out that Martlets is only partly funded by the government and that they rely on fundraising for most of their income. It inspired him to run the marathon in Gary’s memory to raise funds for Martlets. I was there with my sister and it was an amazing event. Tim said he was thinking about Gary a lot when he was running and the memories made it a special event for him.
If you’d like to fundraise for Martlets, please do take part – the fundraising team will help you find an activity you’d enjoy. Setting yourself a challenge that you’ve wanted to undertake for a while means it will not only be a wonderful way to support Martlets but will also provide joy and moments of remembrance along the way for you and your family.
Everyone facing terminal illness deserves to have the incredible level of care, support, dignity and compassion that we experienced from Martlets towards the end of Gary’s life. But Martlets can’t keep on caring without your support so please consider fundraising to help other families like ours. Thank you.”
How you can support Martlets
- Take part in an event, like a marathon, in memory of a loved one. Browse all events here.
- Make a donation. All donations, big or small, make such a huge difference. Donate today.
- Volunteer your time. Volunteers play a crucial role in helping keep the hospice caring. Explore volunteer opportunities.
Published: 07 January 2025